I was trained by Dr. Joshua Coleman, an expert on family estrangement. Dr. Coleman has been conducting research and clinical work in this field for over 40 years, and he is one of the few researchers to systematically study this population.

 

His book, Rules of Estrangement, considered the definitive guide on the topic, is drawn from his massive study on estranged parents conducted through the University of Wisconsin Survey Center.

 

 

 

The Core Tenets of Estrangement Therapy

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Understanding Estrangement as Complex, Not One-Sided Estrangement Therapy rejects simplistic narratives that blame either "toxic parents" or "ungrateful children." Instead, we recognize estrangement as a complex phenomenon driven by cultural shifts including rising individualism, increased emphasis on personal happiness, economic insecurity, and changing family expectations. This therapy helps parents understand that their adult child's decision to cut contact usually feels like the healthiest choice for them, even when parents believe they did their best.

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The Parent-First Approach with Empathy and Accountability The path toward healing requires parents to take the first courageous step, but with a fundamentally different mindset than most expect. Rather than approaching from a position of hurt or victimization, parents must lead from a place of genuine empathy for their child's perspective and take responsibility for their role in the relationship breakdown. This means being willing to hear how they may have failed, hurt, neglected, or traumatized their child without becoming defensive. The process begins with acknowledging the adult child's autonomy and right to make this difficult choice: "I know you wouldn't do this unless it felt like the healthiest thing for you to do."

Practical Reconciliation Tools and Emotional Healing When reconciliation is possible, Estrangement Therapy provides structured approaches including "letters of amends" and specific communication strategies that create safety for difficult conversations. When reconciliation isn't immediately possible, the focus shifts to helping parents heal from the profound shame, guilt, and grief that accompanies estrangement, and addresses the identity crisis many parents face when cut off from their role as "good parents," helping them find ways to live fulfilling lives while remaining open to future connection. Throughout this process, the approach maintains compassion for both generations while nurturing realistic hope that many estrangements can be resolved with patience, understanding, and the right guidance.

I have developed a methodology in my practice that combines Imago Relationship Therapy (specifically the focus on empathy and Intentional Dialogue) with Estrangement Therapy—and I have seen tremendous results with my clients over the years.