YAEL RAVID

“HONOR THY FATHER AND THY MOTHER……”

 

For thousands of years this belief was the corner stone of family life.

Kids were allowed to speak only when spoken to them, parents had more control and influence over their children, and the parenting style was more of what felt like control and command. Children had no other choice but to obey. Punishments weren’t only consequences but a way of eliciting a “good behavior” by a child. This reaction of a parent was considered normal and acceptable. 

 

Family structures started to change as technology and media became a part of family lives. At the beginning through radio and later through television, information about the term CHILD PSYCHOLOGY entered the realm of parents’ minds. The importance of social and emotional development of a child (social- the ability to relate to others, emotional - feelings and the expression of feelings), together with the understanding of the influences of the early-year experiences and traumas on the child’s development and on his overall wellbeing, the realization that self-actualization is the most important ingredient in the happiness of a person’s life, and overall the need of newer generations to do things differently and better than what their parents did with them, created a big shift in parenting styles. Culture began to have a bigger role on how children are shaped. It’s happening through peer pressure, media and social media, and it influences not only children and teens, but also their parents.

 

As a result, many parents nowadays are the most educated, loving and devoted parents ever. They invest a lot of time and money in raising their kids to become well-rounded people, they are attending to and trying to understand and help their children’s depression, anxiety, low self-esteem, learning disabilities and all other issues that come with raising children. They read books on parenting and even take classes in order to become the best parents they can be. They invest effort and money to help their child fulfill their dreams. Throughout the years of raising their children in an endless effort to be the best version of a parent they had in their mind, they suffer from many sleepless nights, endless worries, guilt, and fear, doubting if they did the right thing, if they could have chosen better, if they have failed their child. The goal was for their child to become a happy, responsible, and self-assured adult.

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This is in part why parents suffer so much when their child, whom they love so much, and whom they raised in the best way they knew how, cuts them off, often without any explanation. Such estrangement causes unbearable emotional (and sometimes physical) pain. Parents are in terrible shock and very confused, many believing that they are absolutely alone in their pain, that estrangement has only ever happened to THEM and not to other parents. But the truth is that estrangement has become more prevalent in the last decade. Loyalty, commitment, and obligation to the family, has been replaced by self-actualization and self-fulfillment. The drive to achieve happiness often comes at the expense of family bonds.

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While it is usually the parent who seeks help, as a family therapist, I work both with estranged parents and their adult children (if the children are willing to participate). I use Imago Therapy tools to create safety between the parents and the child that allows for non-threatening communication. The dialogues I facilitate usually begin with the adult child talking and the parents listening like never before. (Later, when the time is right, the parents talk and the child listens). This way of listening creates empathy and allows for validating the child's experiences. It takes a lot of effort on the parents' side to learn to listen in this new way, but when they do, it creates a miracle.  I use Imago Therapy tools to create safety between the parents and the child that allows for non-threatening communication. The dialogues I facilitate usually begin with the adult child talking and the parents listening like never before. (Later, when the time is right, the parents talk and the child listens). This way of listening creates empathy and allows for validating the child's experiences. It takes a lot of effort on the parents' side to learn to listen in this new way, but when they do, it creates a miracle.   

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Healing Estranged Family Relationships

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In my work with estranged families, I put a lot of effort in helping parents work on the way they relate to their adult children. Parents come from a place of wanting the best for their children, like when they raised them. Sometimes, they have a hard time relating to their adult child and seeing past the child that they used to be. In my work with parents, I help them make a shift in their mind and show up for their adult children in a way that makes them feel heard, seen, understood, and respected.

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Specialized Approach to Family Reconnection

When family relationships break down, the pain can feel insurmountable. As a Marriage and Family Therapist specializing both in relationships and in estrangement between parents and adult children, I offer compassionate guidance through this difficult terrain. My therapeutic approach combines the proven methodologies of Imago Relationship Therapy and Dr. Joshua Coleman's reconciliation strategies to create pathways for healing and reconnection.

 

Understanding Estrangement Through Imago Therapy

Imago Relationship Therapy provides a powerful framework for understanding the deep roots of family ruptures. This approach recognizes that:

• Family conflicts often stem from unconscious patterns formed in childhood

• Present difficulties in relationships frequently mirror past wounds

• Healing requires creating a safe space for authentic dialogue

• Reconciliation becomes possible through safe and structured communication techniques

Through Imago techniques, we explore how your early relationship experiences may be influencing current family dynamics. The Imago approach helps family members stop blaming and criticizing each other, focusing instead on developing understanding and empathy. This shift creates the foundation necessary for meaningful repair.

 

The Coleman Approach to Family Reconciliation

Dr. Joshua Coleman's work on family estrangement provides essential strategies for parents seeking to reconnect with adult children. His approach emphasizes:

• Understanding the cultural and generational factors contributing to estrangement

• Developing empathy for your adult child's perspective without judgment

• Creating meaningful apologies that address specific hurts

• Establishing appropriate boundaries for healthy reconnection

• Finding peace whether reconciliation occurs or not

Dr. Coleman's insightful approach is based on empathy and understanding for both the parent and the adult child, recognizing that estrangement is a complex and tender topic. I incorporate these principles into our work together to create realistic pathways toward healing.

 

My Therapeutic Process

Working with estranged families typically involves:

1. Assessment and Understanding: Exploring the history of your relationship, identifying patterns, and understanding the specific circumstances of estrangement

2. Intentional Dialogue: Learning the structured communication techniques of Imago therapy to facilitate contingent communication, where expressions of vulnerability by one family member are met with validation and empathy from others

3. Perspective Expansion: Developing the ability to take responsibility and understand your family member's perspective, even when you may not fully agree with their reasons for distance

4. Reconciliation Planning: Creating concrete strategies for reconnection, including how to write effective letters, make meaningful apologies, and navigate initial meetings

5. Ongoing Support: Providing continuing guidance as relationships rebuild, helping navigate challenges that arise during reconciliation

 

Who Can Benefit

This specialized therapy can help:

• Parents estranged from adult children seeking reconciliation

• Adult children considering reconnection with parents

• Siblings working to repair fractured relationships

• Extended family members affected by estrangement

• Blended families navigating complex relationship dynamics

 

A Path Forward

While family estrangement creates profound pain, it doesn't have to be permanent. There are no guarantees or easy solutions, but there is a path toward hope, growth, and healing. The therapeutic process offers an opportunity not just to reconnect, but to create healthier and more fulfilling relationships than existed before.

I bring both professional expertise and deep compassion to this work, creating a non-judgmental space where all family members can feel heard and understood. Together, we can explore the possibility of reconnection while honoring each person's need for emotional safety and respect.

Contact me to schedule an initial consultation to discuss how we might work together toward healing your family relationships.

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